so much self hate, so much sadness
all bottled up with the lid on tight. until nights like this where i fall apart
i’m numb to any and all emotion
i want to feel again
and i’m scared by how desperate i am
9 days clean
starting to feel that temptation again
I have known this lifestyle and i know it is bankrupt
turn to Him
warning: this will ramble. read at your own discretion
At timberlee last year one topic the guys spoke on was the importance of living in community for a Christian. So I resolved, right then, that come sophomore year I would get plugged in. August rolled around and with it came school and I did exactly that- our school’s Christian group, grace on campus, is an awesome thing. I go to every bible study and every event and prayer group every morning before school. I’m completely plugged in.
So my only major goal for the past almost six months is fulfilled. Thats the real problem… I dont know where to aim from here. I have no idea what God has for 2014. I could make some guesses but all they amount to are shots fired into the dark.
I dont know where to go. I ALWAYS KNOW WHERE TO GO. See the problem? I’m not just scared, I’m terrified by the future. There are millions upon millions of potential directions He could take me in.
Right now, my faith isn’t shaken by atheists or bullies or authorities. Its being shaken by itself
Imagine the title of a movie gradually floating onto the screen from the side. Now imagine me on top of one letter, trying to understand that letter. I dont even understand that there are multiple letters, or words, or that everything fits together perfectly or that everything is moving. I wish i could just zoom out and see the bigger picture, but i can’t. Just need to trust Him that there is one.
Its really difficult to zoom out
to see the bigger picture
everything that is going on right now is happening for a purpose
the really tricky part is understanding it
School starts tomorrow, and this year more than before i want to try to be seen. Not in the showy, attention-getting way that we first think about when we use the words “being seen.” Here is a good example of what I mean. In his book, Nudge, Leonard Sweet tells this story:
Many decades ago some men were panning for gold in the state of Montana. The prospectors organized themselves into an informal cooperative and agreed up front that if they should strike gold they would tell no one about their find.
After weeks of hard panning and digging, one of them found an unusual stone. Breaking it open, they were excited to see that it contained gold. Soon the prospectors discovered an abundance of the precious metal. They began shouting “We’ve found it! We’ve found gold! We’ve struck it rich!”
They then proceeded to go to a nearby town for additional supplies. Before leaving camp, they reminded each other of the pledge of absolute secrecy. While they were in town, none of them breathed a word about their good fortune. However, when they were getting ready to return to camp, they were horrified to discover several hundred of the local townsmen preparing to follow them. And when they asked who had revealed the secret of their discovery, the answer came: “No one had to. Your faces showed it.”
How do you wish to be seen this year, ross? What will your friends, teachers, and classmates see in me?
"We’ve been oceans apart, but You part oceans to be with me"